Paint Your Words

Dear Papa, 

Do you know what day it is today? It’s Father’s Day. For 17 years, I wrote you greeting cards on second or third Sundays of June but I never really understood what it meant. I didn’t know what it meant to have a father because you were always away. I’m not sure how I know but in my heart I was sure that you didn’t want to be away either.

Now that I’m in my twenties, I am trying to unlearn the things that I thought were right. These eight years have been difficult for you, me and Mama. We all didn’t know how to be a family. I didn’t know how to have a father. I didn’t know how to be taken cared of. I didn’t know how to have a man around. And I so badly wanted someone to be there.  

At some point, I told myself that I don’t want a guy like you when I get into a relationship. I don’t want someone who left. But I kept falling for people who are just never there. People who left. I know it wasn’t my fault they left but I know I’m not giving any reason to stay either. 

But in these 8 years, you’ve showed me something I never realized before. Papa, you might have left many times but you always came back.  You didn’t need reasons to come back but you always did. And you stayed because you wanted to even if it was difficult, even if we are all difficult.

Papa, you’re my ideal guy. You and Mama are very lucky with each other. One day I hope to find someone like you. You may not be perfect, you may not have been able to give me everything I wanted, but you give me everything I need. And that’s enough. It’s enough for me. 

Thank you for your presence for all these years. It’s so nice to have a dad. It’s too bad we missed out on some years but I’m glad I have you now.

One day, I will be able to say all these to you. One day I will be brave enough. I promise not to take long. For now, let me just show you how great it is to have you around.

Happy Father’s Day! I love you. Always.  

Your little girl, 

E

“Ang hirap mong mahalin.”

Nasabihan ka na rin ba niyan?

Mga ilang buwan na rin ang nakalipas since sinabi sa’kin ‘to pero for some odd reason, ngayon lang ata talaga siya nagsink-in. Siguro kasi umuulan at masarap mag-emote habang pumapatak ang ulan sa bubong with matching background music. (Umamin na kayo. Ginagawa niyo rin ‘to.) Pero marahil naisip ko rin ito kasi narealize ko (finally!) ang masakit na katotohanan na mahirap akong mahalin at kasalanan ko rin ‘yun. At kung pinost ko man ito publicly, ito ay para sa ibang tao na aminado na rin na mahirap sila mahalin. Di ka na nag-iisa, friend. Dalawa na tayo. Tara magtayo na tayo ng club at tawagin natin itong MMC (Mahirap Mahalin Club). Pero ka-acronym ‘yun ng Makati Medical Center kaya mag-isip pa tayo ng ibang pangalan. 

Pero ma-segue tayo bago maging dramatic ang lahat.  May theory ako. Ang theory ko is ‘yung mga paborito nating mga karakter sa ating paboritiong palabas say something about our personality. Mahilig ako sa crime-romance at ang paboritong shows ko ay Castle at Bones. Shiniship ko ang Castle-Beckett (Caskett) at Brennan-Booth na love team. Pero syempre ang favorite na characters ko ay ang mga leading lady na sina Beckett at Brennan. At kung susundin ko ang theory ko eh talagang good luck na lang sa’kin dahil inabot ng fourth (4th) season finale bago nagkatuluyan si Caskett at inabot ng sixth (6th) season bago nagkatuluyan si Brennan at Booth. At kung one season is equivalent to a year, sumatotal inantay sila ng leading man ng 4-6 years. Buti sana kung kasing-ganda, sexy, talino at badass ko sina Beckett at Brennan na enjoy antayin ng 4-6 years, kaso sa pahirapan lang mahalin ako magaling makipagsabayan sa kanila. Saklap. 

Mahirap akong mahalin, let me count the ways. 

1. Hindi ako magaling makahalata. 

Paglilinaw: Hindi ako manhid. Medyo may pagka-delayed telecast lang kasi may pagka-assuming ako. Assuming ako na mabait talaga ang lahat ng tao at mahilig sila magspecial treatment sa lahat ng kakilala nila. (Ha ha!) On a positive note, at least  may isang taong bait na bait sa mga kawawang nilalang na ‘yan at malamang sa malamang, ako ‘yun. 

2. Mas naniniwala ako sa sinasabi kaysa sa ginagawa.

Ansabe ng ‘Actions speak louder than words.’ sa’kin? Wala. Walang epekto. Kaya nga kapag tinatanong ako ng nanay ko…

“Nanliligaw ba si ano?”

Ang lagi kong sagot ay…

“Wala naman siyang sinasabi eh.”

Saya. Ha ha!

3. Gusto ko ‘yung hindi ako iiwanan pero ang nagugustuhan ko ay ‘yung iiwanan ako or malayo or emotionally just not there. 

Kaya wala rin akong tiwala sa sarili ko pag may nagugustuhan ako eh kasi feeling ko iiwanan ako ulit. Medyo hindi maganda ang track record ko. Ha ha! 

4. Gumagamit ako ng PROS and CONS table para madisiplina ang aking mga emosyon.  

Management graduate ako kaya kahit pati personal na buhay ko eh mabentang-mabenta ang pros and cons table. Pati mga kaibigan kong girls nahawa na rin sa love life application ng management tool na ito because it really works pero hindi ko sure kung sa ikabubuti.  

Mahirap pigilan ang nararamdaman kaya onset pa lang ginagawan ko na ng paraan para hindi tayo mapunta sa puntong walang bawian, walang balikan. Ayokong matouch move kung mali ang galaw. At mas madali pigilan ang nararamdaman kapag may visual reference at analysis na pwedeng balik-balikan kapag may moments ng panghihina ng loob.   

‘Wag na natin pag-usapan ang Gantt Chart at ang Time and Motion Study. Pero effective din ang mga ‘yan sa kahit anong larangan ng buhay.  

5. Ayokong nagpapasensya kahit lagi akong pinagpapasensyahan. 

Isa sa pinaka-ayaw ko ay ang pinag-aantay ako pero lagi ko daw ginagawa ito sa ibang tao. Ang unfair ko lang. Sorry. 

6. Kasing-tibay ng Great Wall of China ang trust issues ko. 

Naiinggit ako sa mga taong madali mahulog ang loob sa isa pang tao kasi parang ang dali para sa kanila na ipagkatiwala ang puso nila sa taong maaring alam or hindi alam ang nararamdaman nila. There is a lot of strength in vulnerability. Parang sinabi mo lang, “Ganito ako saktan, hindi ganyan. Try mo ‘to! Ayan! Enjoy ka ha!” Samantalang ako, kailangan ng 2-3 seasons before my guards go down at usually by that time, too late na. 

7. Hindi ako marunong mangailangan ng ibang tao. 

Only child ako so nasa akin ang sapak ng panganay, bunso at middle child. Ganyan kaming mga only child, we’ve got it all for you! Dahil sanay na mag-isa, may pagka-independent kami to a fault kasi pag walang ibang gagawa ng isang bagay, alam naming walang mangyayari. Kaysa mang-istorbo ng ibang tao, kung pwede kayanin eh kakayanin. Medyo nakakahiya humingi ng tulong. Nakakahiya na magpakita ng kahinaan kaya mas madali magsarili. 

8.  Risk Taker ako sa ibang bagay except sa…

Kung anu-ano na ang pinasok kong kalokohan sa buhay. Matatawag na adventure ang iba pero mas matimbang talaga ang misadventure. Kalokohan nga di ba? At kahit na may takot ako kada hinaharap ko ang mga ganyan eh ginagawa ko pa rin, kahit na luhaan ako sa huli at mag-isang kumakain ng 2 Big Mac meals bilang pampalubag-loob. Pero pagdating sa romance business na ‘yan eh parang dinare mo ko na magbungee jump. Takot ako sa heights. Patawirin mo pa lang ako ng foot bride eh abot-abot na ang dasal ko o kapit. Duwag and proud. 

‘Wag na natin dagdagan ang listahang ito dahil naaawa na ko sa self-esteem ko masyado kae-explain kung bakit mahirap ako mahalin kaya dapat hindi itry. I think gets niyo na. 

Pero aminado naman ako na mahirap akong mahalin. Kung ako nga eh nahihirapan, mas lalo na siguro ang mga taong wala namang utang na loob sa akin at hindi ako obligadong mahalin. 

Pero kung may good side sa’ming mga aminadong mahirap mahalin, hindi namin kayo pipilitin na mahalin kami dahil naiintindihan namin na mahirap nga kaming mahalin. Parang mas madali pa nga if you choose to leave kasi handa na kaming maiwanan. You know, sanay na. (Hashtag: HUGOT. Ha ha!)

Pero if someone chooses to stay with us, guaranteed na mahihirapan pa din sila sa’ming mga miyembro ng MMC pero di sila mahihirapan mag-isa. Mahihirapan din kami kasi hindi kami sanay na may magput up sa’min. Kaya naman araw-araw namin paghihirapan na patunayan sa kanila na tama ang naging desisyon nila. At gagawin namin ‘yan hanggang madalian sila na mahalin kami at madalian kami na mahalin ang sarili namin. Oh di ba? (Bumabawi. LOL)

Bottomline: Lahat ng tao kamahal-mahal, mahirap man o madali, no matter the topak, basta ba binibigyan mo ang sarili mo ng pagkakataon magmahal at ibang tao na mahalin ka.

Hindi ko naririnig ko ang sarili ko. La la la la la. 

This message will self-destruct in 3 seconds. 

E

Being hit on is an occupational hazard. And I don’t like being hit on especially, when I am being professional. No. More like, I don’t like being hit on ever. I like giving the best to the people around me, whether or not they are clients that need to be served. I invest my time and genuine interest in people. But I don’t think that this is a reason for anyone to hit on me.

I would rather that someone showed me genuine interest as a human being and not just as a woman. After all, we are just souls yearning to be acknowledged to exist happily. Sexuality should not be everything. It should not get in the way of human connection. Souls don’t have genders but they understand more clearly than when our eyes are open.

I don’t like being hit on. And more so when I am being hit on just for the way I look on the outside. I would rather that someone tried to draw a map to find a way to discover me. And if then you find a woman that you think you can love then I pray that you acknowledge me as one. But only then, please. Because I may look like a woman but I can only become one in your eyes when you’ve already seen my heart. And maybe, just maybe, by then, I will be ready to acknowledge you as a man.  

This morning I went over my best friend’s house after receiving a troubling text message from her. What it is? Well, let’s just save it for a different blog post. She just came from work and I was borrowing dresses for this hosting gig that I have tomorrow noon. I interviewed her about the text message she sent me and preceded that I came over to personally slap her in the face over her lapse of judgment, which I warned her should not at all costs be repeated because if she does the same again, she will be luckier dead. Yes, I am a good friend. And out of the blue, for some mystical reason (I kid), I mentioned to her how different it feels to be 25. She is younger than me by a year.

It feels different and the same, being 25. I’m no longer in puberty though sometimes I still ask the question ‘When do I get pretty?’ And even though it’s hard to swallow sometimes because of the responsibilities that come with it, I am now an adult. I am now a woman. Or at least, I feel like one. Woman, not the adult part because that’s different.

I had a bus mate who is 5 years my junior, who once told me when I was 23 that my batch mates in high school, who he has recently bumped into already looked womanly. He then looked at me with all the innocence that I have grown accustomed to since he was a child and he told me that I am left behind by my peers. I remember gawking at that very moment. Sure, I didn’t have the boobs (still don’t have it) nor the soft, curvy figure (nope, still not there) but that does not make me less of a woman, right?

I have just turned 25. Still, there are days when people mistake me for a college student. But since the clock turned to 11:46 PM last April 14, I felt like a different person. I just woke up and realized that I was no longer the awkward little girl who was overly conscious of her actions and her thoughts. Gone was she who always second-guesses herself. And suddenly, I had curves! No, they did not appear overnight, they had been there all along just unappreciated by my own eyes.

“So what has changed?” She asked me.

“Confidence.” I answered so quickly and surely.

I no longer cared if I don’t have the perfect hair or if my baby hair sticks out like a tumble weed. I no longer care if sometimes I go out in shorts without waxing my legs. I don’t care if I go out on a date without make-up. I don’t care if I’m with my girl friends and I am not in fashion. I don’t care if someone is better than me. And I don’t care if I overeat sometimes. (Okay, most of the time.) I feel beautiful because I now know it too. Though the occasional boob wishes still escape me, I’m happy with myself and what I have become. 25 is truly a milestone.

They say that age is just a number. That may be true but only for those who have forgotten to value their lives. How else do you count everything you’ve been through without losing count? Your age summarizes it all for you and whether you write it black and white or in color, it’s up to you.

As for me, I am loving this new self-discovery and I cannot wait how this new thing will change me in the coming days, weeks and months. Being 25 has that certain glow, either that or my tan is sticking out for me for more than two weeks (Record-breaking!) or my iron supplements are working, but I feel younger than ever! I think I have learned what Ketut Liyer has said in Eat Pray Love “Smile with your heart.” Or was it stomach? Either way, I’m happy when I am full of love and food.

16 may have been sweet but 25 has been sweeter to me. The past can never be remade but you can overcome regrets. Old dreams may have slept but new dreams will sprout. Old loves may wilt but it will make you fertile for new love. And if we are to return to dust, this body I have is in its spring awakening and if you throw seeds of love, beauty and happiness, it will grow for it is ready to receive it.

I looked at my best friend, the second one I had next to my mother, and I told her that I cannot wait until she, too, can be 25 and experience all these things that is nothing short of inner alchemy. And I think, she will love it too.